Horribly Bad Canned Responses to Your Kids’ Uncomfortable Questions
Blurting out the first thought that enters your head might not be the best approach. But it is what it is.
As any parent will tell you, kids ask a bunch of questions.
Why is the sky blue?
Why is pee yellow?
Why does my nose have boogers?
Between Google and Alexa, I usually get the info I need, and then we go about our day.
But as any parent will also tell you, some questions are a bit more complicated to answer.
For those of you whose eyes have widened to the size of saucers after being hit blindsided by an off-the-wall kid question, I’ve compiled a list of canned responses that you will most likely never use. They’re horrible and impromptu and basically make no sense, but these are actual words that I’ve blubbered from my lips when asked questions for which I’m totally unprepared.
Tonight, I asked my son to bring me my headphones from mine and my husband’s bedroom. Thinking they were in my nightstand, that’s where I told him to look.
He returns two minutes later, elated, holding an object that he’s determined is his new light saber.
My heart immediately stops beating.
As I snatch the lavender-colored rubber sex toy from his clutches, my brain scrambles for a response.
Kid question #1: Hey, Mommy, what’s this?
Oh, wow. It’s, um, it’s a wand. That I use to… I use it to do that thing where I…I clean the toilet with it. Yes. That’s what I do with it.
Anyway, it’s gross. Just drop it. Like, now. Please.
Kid question #2: Why don’t you have a dooder?
I’m sorry, what?
You know, a dooder. Daddy and I pee out of ours. Why don’t you?
Oh, THAT dooder. Yeah…I don’t have one. I just sit and pee.
But why don’t you have one? Dooders are fun! Did yours fall off somewhere?
Um, yes. Mine did fall off. That’s why I’m so irritated all the time. Sorry, buddy.
It’s ok, Mommy. I’d be mad without my dooder, too.
Kid question #3: Are you and Daddy like John Cena?
This one threw me for a loop. So much that I was almost afraid to ask him to elaborate, but I couldn’t resist.
Whatcha mean, bud?
You know, like when he’s on top of you wrestling, and then you’re on top of him wrestling?
Um, ok…so when do we do this wrestling?
Like, last night when I had a scary dream. I sneaked in your room and slept on that comfy chair. Like then. Ya’ll were wrestling.
Sex. He’s referring to sex. Unbeknownst to us, our five-year-old saw us doing it.
Oh, yeah. We love wrestling. I was The Rock and he was John Cena. I kicked his butt real good.
Way to go, Mommy!
I’m not sure how much more random bullshit I have left in me. It’s mentally exhausting, making stuff up on the fly. I’m getting older, wearier, and I fear it may be easier to start telling the ugly truth.
That purple thing doesn’t clean the toilet. It’s actually a fun little toy that Mommy and Daddy use to say, “I love you!”
I’ve never had a dooder. It didn’t fall off. I was born with something different. But if it makes you feelings better, sometimes I think it would be cool if I did have a dooder. Peeing while standing would be pretty awesome at times.
And Mommy and Daddy aren’t really professional wrestlers. To be honest, we were…
Ya know, I think I’ll just leave this one be for now…
“…wrestling. We were wrestling. Son, we actually are professional wrestlers.”